Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
