Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
