allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
