I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
