There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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