Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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