you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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