So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
