: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
