new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
