God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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