I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
