when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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