I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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