why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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