you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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