Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
