I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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