i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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