Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
