my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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