Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
