remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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