I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
