drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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