I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I want her autograph on my taint
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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