now i know why i became what i already was.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
