The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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