I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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