Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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