new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
