I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I intend to get homeless drunk
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
