Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
