I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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