Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
