Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
