wakey wakey hands off snakey
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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