How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
