Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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