If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
