This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's official drugs can't kill me
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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