I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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