i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
