No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
