forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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