I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
