Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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