They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
