You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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