I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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