Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
