Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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