i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
