You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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