My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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